When a child leaves home for university
There comes a moment, often after months of preparation, when the car is unpacked, the hugs have been exchanged and your son or daughter disappears into a new chapter of their life. You hope that everything you’ve tried to teach them about safety, being sensible, not following the crowd etc. etc. has sunk in. You get back into the car, perhaps wave one last time, and begin the journey home. It's often on that journey that the reality begins to sink in. For weeks, perhaps months, life has revolved around application forms, accommodation, shopping lists, kitchen essentials and spare chargers. Then suddenly, there is an unfamiliar sound… silence.
University is rightly celebrated as an exciting milestone. It's a time of new friendships, independence, learning and personal growth. We talk a great deal about how our young people feel as they embark on this adventure. Far less attention is given to those waving goodbye. For many parents, this is also a significant life transition for them.
But is it something to fear or embrace?
The so called ‘empty nest syndrome’ is a phrase not every parent will identify with. Some children return home frequently. Others are one of several siblings, leaving behind a household that still feels busy. Some parents experience sadness, while others feel relief, excitement, pride or simply exhaustion after months of preparation. More often than not, it's a mixture of all of these, existing together but coming in waves and felt at different times. What matters is recognising that this is a significant moment in your own life, too. It's okay to pay attention to it!
Beneath the loss there can also be gains
One of the realities of life is that almost every important transition involves both gain and loss. Your child gains independence, confidence, new experiences and opportunities. As a parent, you're losing the everyday relationship you've shared for the last eighteen or so years. Your gains may feel hollow at first.
It's not uncommon to feel guilty at the joy of a quiet house, listening to the music you choose and knowing the last chocolate digestive will still be in the tin when you want it. The noise, the chaos and even the occasional frustrations become strangely absent. These small, ordinary moments often carry far more emotional significance than we realise.
Whenever something meaningful changes, there can be sadness, tiredness and perhaps even something that feels like grief. Grief isn't reserved solely for bereavement; it is a natural response to loss. Changes, especially those involving the absence of someone we love, can involve loss, and change requires more conscious attention. This can temporarily increase our sense of uncertainty and take us away from our comfort zone, which may make us feel more anxious and tired than usual. Our brains are wired to favour familiarity because predictability is efficient. These are all normal responses to significant life transitions.
Why Parents Experience This Transition Differently
No two families are the same, so it makes sense that no two parents experience this transition in exactly the same way. Our circumstances, relationships, personalities and stage of life all influence how this chapter feels.
Older or Retired Parents
For parents who are retired or approaching retirement, a child leaving home can coincide with other significant changes. Daily routines may already be shifting. Menopause may have started - a frequently underestimated gradual transition. Work no longer structures the week in the same way, and friendships may have changed as people retire, travel more often or experience health difficulties.
If your child has been a regular source of companionship, conversation or purpose, the house can suddenly feel very different. Many parents describe not simply missing their son or daughter, but missing the feeling of having a clear role in their everyday life. After many years of focusing on others, turning attention back towards ourselves can be both wonderful and surprisingly challenging. It can leave you wondering: what comes next?
There comes a point where we can begin to choose our purpose in life for ourselves. That can be an empowering thought. Although this transition may feel unsettling initially, it can also become an opportunity to rediscover interests, friendships and aspects of ourselves that have patiently waited whilst family life took centre stage.
Working Parents
People sometimes assume that working parents are too busy to notice. In reality, many describe almost the opposite. During the working day life continues as normal, but coming home can feel unexpectedly quiet. The familiar rhythm has changed. No one is asking for a lift, borrowing the car, searching for clean clothes or wandering into the kitchen just as you've sat down with a cup of tea. The phrase “be careful what you wish for” comes to mind! Sometimes it's these ordinary interruptions that are missed the most.
Many working parents also find themselves questioning their role. For years they have balanced employment alongside parenting. Suddenly one of those responsibilities changes dramatically, even though the instinct to care remains exactly the same.
Parents of an Only Child
For parents whose only child leaves home, the difference in daily life is dramatic.
Unlike larger families, where younger siblings may still be at school and family routines continue to evolve, this transition can feel more sudden. One day there are familiar rhythms and routines - the next day there is an empty bedroom. The energy a young person brings to the home is absent and the home can feel unexpectedly still.
For parents of an only child, there can be a particular sense of finality. This is not just one child leaving home; it is the end of a particular chapter of family life. The routines, responsibilities and experiences that have shaped everyday life for many years may suddenly look very different.
For children, this is often the moment when their world begins to expand. For parents, it can sometimes feel as though their world has suddenly become smaller. The task is not to hold on to the relationship exactly as it was, but to discover how to nurture it in its new form, allowing children the freedom to grow whilst finding new ways to remain connected.
Single Parents
For a single parent, when their child leaves for university, these feelings can be even more intense. For a single parent of an only child it can feel like your world has shifted.
Many have spent years functioning as a close team with their child. Together they've navigated school runs, homework, celebrations, illnesses, disappointments and everyday life. The relationship has often involved companionship as much as parenting.
You’re proud your child is doing exactly what you hoped for: learning, seeking independence and creating their own life, but the transition can sometimes bring unexpected feelings of being left behind or even abandoned. This does not mean you have become overly dependent on your child. When that child leaves home the family unit itself has shifted. The challenge is accepting that the relationship has changed without believing that it has diminished.
Parents Who Are Also Carers
It’s worth recognising that as many parents are now older when they begin their families, their child's transition into adulthood can coincide with another significant life change: ageing parents needing more support.
For some, the anticipated freedom of having children leave home is quickly replaced by new caring responsibilities. Instead of having more time to explore interests, friendships or opportunities, they may find themselves balancing the needs of an adult child becoming independent alongside the needs of an elderly parent becoming more dependent.
This can create a particular sense of frustration or sadness. Some may even wonder whether they will have missed their chance! If this is your experience, it is worth remembering that our opportunities for growth, connection and fulfilment do not have an expiry date. However, sometimes they require creativity and patience.
Some readers may also already be caring for a partner or helping another family member with illness or disability. The child going off to university may have been sharing in that care role, providing much needed respite. This can leave a different and additional sense of loss; a practical lifeline is being removed. Navigating this, without leaving your child feeling uncomfortable or even guilty about leaving, can be incredibly difficult. Conversations about this, and seeking alternative sources of support, are probably best started early.
If this resonates with you, remember that your own emotional wellbeing matters too. If you can, engage with support groups locally, or online if need be. Others in the same position can often be a hugely useful source of information about what support is available.
The Feelings You Might Not Expect
Parents often tell me they weren't prepared for the small moments. Cooking too much food, automatically buying their child’s favourite cereal. Or perhaps noticing that the house is wonderfully peaceful... and then feeling guilty for enjoying it. None of these reactions suggest you are failing to adjust – each time you do something differently, you are making inroads into your new adapted life.
Giving Yourself Permission to Adjust
Parents often focus so completely on helping their children manage transitions that they forget they are living through one themselves. There are things we can do to help with the adjustment so try not to judge yourself for having mixed emotions. Talk openly with your partner, friends or family if you can. Stay connected with people who understand and know you – say yes to organised get togethers or arrange to do things you’ve never done before. Learning a new language or how to dance is a great way to make new connections. As I write this I’m smiling – a good friend of mine, a single parent now well into her 60’s, converted a camper van and took herself off all around the country, volunteering as a 'Festival Steward' for various charities!
Your role will inevitably change as your relationship as a parent enters into the next phase. As your child navigates life as an adult outside the family home, you may find they appreciate your experience, as you slip seamlessly into the role of mentor or life coach. This is unfamiliar territory for them, and where your new and different parenting skills can be invaluable.
There is no perfect way to navigate this transition, only your way!
Article 2 in a Series: Significant Life Transitions: Understanding the emotional impact of life's major changes Written by Linda Howard MBACP Counsellor and Psychotherapist 17 August, 2026